We can only go by what you post so allow me to dumb it down further: Assuming you haven't rewired the car if the fuel pump works when jumped on and/or the MIL comes on and you can check for codes the main relay is working. Stop playing with it.
And as has been pointed out if you have a stock...
It's cheaper than silver ;)
Since the thread is beyond salvageable I have no further comment except that what Chip and Grimjack said makes way too much sense...
It is funny how life works. Especially when you shape it. Unfortunately you're going to be laughing for a long time as it follows you around. And considering what could have happened it's a gross understatement to say you were extremely lucky.
But what's done is done. Good luck and I hope you...
No. I was pointing out that plugging the hose and having the engine do what it does should be telling you something but so far all I see is more faulty logic...
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