What are the signs...

[Tanya]

of your significant other cheating on you?

some background; we've been friends for almost 10 years, been together for almost 6 years, married for 1.5. The 1st couple of years were ok, we've had to deal w/ tons and tons of hardship, from living in an '84 celica GT hatchback being 8 mos. preggo to having lost ALL of our possessions last year due to an asshole landlord.

he's always seemed to have this porn addiction, which didn't use to bother me so much...until the last year or so. I'm getting more frustrated as to why he would prefer to look at someone elses stuff when he has one right there. I know it's a guy thing and all, but when it starts fucking shit up, there's a problem. Like sneaking around w/ your bank card, buying whatever XXX site shit, and then lying about it when I see the bank statement. I've asked him to stop repeatedly, only for him to tell me he has, then I find out otherwise.

well anyways, that's not really the point of all this. there's this girl Sam, that w've both known and have been friends with for a very long time. I was good friends with Sam before my hubby and I even got to hanging around, although she's been friends with him longer than I have with her. Anyways, they say they love each other like "brother and sister". Well some months back I had taken a vaction to Georgia with a good friend of mine. Sam was going through a rough time so she was staying with the hubby and I. While I was in Georgia, hubby and I had a vicous fight about his incompetance and whatnot. It came to almost breaking up...I got back and got back together and he mentioned to me one night about Sam and him talking about the possibilities of getting together if him and I failed. Supposedly, it was decided it could never happen because of their "brother/sister" relationship.

Well months go back, I broke up with him for a month over some bullshit unrelated. Got back together, now we're going through more bullshit. I'm currently in a hotel on dial up b/c our landlord gave us the boot after we fixed up the place :icon_mad: But I was just told through the grapevine that sam recently told him that she loved him. I don't know how true this is or whatever, but he was pushing my buttons today, so I called him asking about clothes or whatever and he got pissy so I got pissy back and said "don't worry about it, why don't you go and buy stuff for your new girlfriend sam" and hung up and shut my phone off. A few minutes later my friend had to use the nextel and while she was talking, hubby beeped through all enraged about my comment. My friend said I was doing laundry while I was there listening to everything. EVERYTHING he said sounded like he had a seriously guilty concious (sp).
As far as the time it would take for him to cheat on me, he works all the time, and usually comes straight home, but sometimes he has "sidejobs" which I've gone to a few, and others have stayed home. So I guess he has a chance to but I dunno.

Sorry to rant, I'm so lost with all this, I can't determine if he's cheating or had cheated at one point or WTF. He's a known liar, but I've had to stay w/ him b/c Ive had no where else to go, he screwed up a job I tried to get by calling the manager and being nosey about my drug test outcome (WTFWTF)
I've got today and tomorrow left in this hotel before we have no money and have to GTFO. We're basically stranded, and I don't know wtf to do about everything. I'm WAYYY up shits creek w/o a paddle thats for sure. I guess it may help just to get others' perspectives or whatever.

 

[TopSecret]

*scratches head*

so basically right now you (goddess) have nowhere to go and no money? any friends, family maybe?
i'm just talking about you now cos i think you and your SO need a serious time out. there is too much drama and being pissed off at each other right now to find out the truth...

do you know what he said after she (maybe) told him that she loved him?
do you love him? do you wanna be with him?

i'll try to think of some more...

 

[SupraMario]

I dont like to give these types of comments, but its something you might want to think of.
I know a lot of people think they find the right person, but money, people, and lies make them think other wise, if they cant put these aside and work things out, then it wasnt ment to be. If he can't respect you to stop when you ask him to, and he will not work with you on any issue, then he isn't the right person. I dont consider a man, a man if he cannot talk with someone in a civil manner, if he lies, if he cannot bring home a check to provide for his family without acting like he does all the work, if once he is commited he has that look on his face when another woman is around, this type of man is a coward, a child hidding from reality, he has yet to grow up and earn the title.

It seems to me that you will be better off on your own, if he can't trust you then, he isn't for you. Do you have a friend you could go to, so that you can get back on your feet. If he cant provide, you will have to for yourself. I don't want to come to conclusions, but this guy sounds really slezzy.

Notice all the if's, you must be able to come to terms with one another.

I know I'm only 19, but my parents have been married for 25 years now, they have been through thick and thin, they argue but its in a civil way, my dad has never cussed, hit of screamed, at my mom (and my mom is very hard headed, i know you cant come to terms with her very easily, she wont give up without a very good reason) and i think this is the way it should be, the man of the house should set the example, and be the man of the house.

 

[Tanya]

my family on my side, which = my mom, has no room for me, such a small place. same as the very few friends I have who haven't stabbed me in the face, no room. My best friend and I are sharing this hotel room together and we're both w/o homes and w/o jobs, although we are trying. I havent had a chance to get a job beforehand b/c I was the housewife for all these years. Stay at home mom, etc. No car to put apps in or whatnot.


As far as what sam supposedly told him before or after, I don't know...there's a lot of this alleged convo that I'm missing out, but I don't think I'll ever know the rest to "prove it"

I do love him, but I'm tired of getting walked on. I don't feel loved really anymore. There's no romance, no thoughtfulness, nothing. He says he loves me, but it just feels empty anymore. We fight *constantly* and it's not civil fighting. I have a mouth like a sailor and over the years I've become more insulting, which I know I'm in the wrong for that. I am a person of very little patience, especially for stupidity, and I a fly off the handle quickly. I can acknowledge and accept my wrongs, but he won't. He's admitted to being a liar once, and said several times that he'd stop, but what do ya know? He didn't so whatever. How am I supposed to trust him at all? Whether it's regarding financial situations or sexual matters, I don't trust him. And this isn't what marriage is about.
I didn't even WANT to get married, for fear that this would happen. I would have been perfectly happy just staying w/him without the marriage part. My mom forced me into it and stupidly I accepted, something I regret along with a lot of things.

Anyways, I have just got to stop typing up these books >.<

 

[TopSecret]

hmmm, well i think you guys need a time out. or maybe you just break up for good.
ther is no trust, no love... only lies and fights (as far as i can tell)... and its not a good environment to raise children.

 

[SupraMario]

Anyways, I have just got to stop typing up these books >.<

no, its ok, we can only suggest, we cannot do, that part is up to you, weither or not you listen to our "advice", you must come to terms with yourself on what you think is best.

 

[lanky189]

you need him like an octopus needs a wheelchair hun.

My ex gf's rents are the same way...he treats her like garbage..but she knows nothing else...so she sticks around.. get the cops called on HER multiple times.....

get out now..while you've hit the bottom..the only way is up...

hey..come up to VA we've got an apt in the basement of our house (our meaning my mom and dad) employment is pretty good around here..i can probably help you get a job with my employer... VA is a great place to live.. AND...i have mk2...too!

 

[Tanya]

:icon_bigg

you need him like an octopus needs a wheelchair hun.

My ex gf's rents are the same way...he treats her like garbage..but she knows nothing else...so she sticks around.. get the cops called on HER multiple times.....

get out now..while you've hit the bottom..the only way is up...

hey..come up to VA we've got an apt in the basement of our house (our meaning my mom and dad) employment is pretty good around here..i can probably help you get a job with my employer... VA is a great place to live.. AND...i have mk2...too!

that would be great if I could get the money to get out of this hole, lol at an average of $2.80 a gallon, that's not too cool, plus my car isnt with me currently, another long story. I hope to make a road trip as soon as a I can tho

 

[drunk_medic]

#1: Pornography. Would it bug you so much if he was getting it for free? You can get it on the internet for free. Yes, free free, and I'm not talking about little crappy sample clips of movies either.

#2: I get home from work late once in awhile too, sometimes 2-3 hours late without explanation - it's just always work. Sometimes I call, sometimes I don't. I've been married for 3 years now, and I love my wife to death though. I get along with women much easier than I do with other men, but I do not have any friends that I hang out with. I know this sounds strange, but I pretty much stopped having friends when I got married. I guess we are kinda private people. I don't need to hang out with anyone else when I have her at home. I DO think that she would feel weird about me having a close female friend, especially an attractive one, but think that's a normal female thing, and I don't think she would freak out unless there were alot of really incriminating things going on.

I think there needs to be alot of talking done between you and your husband. Seriously. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly, and that is sad because people DO take it lightly these days.

 

[Tanya]

#1: Pornography. Would it bug you so much if he was getting it for free?
#2: I get home from work late once in awhile too, sometimes 2-3 hours late without explanation - it's just always work.

1. No, I wouldn't be annoyed so much, although I still think it's kinda lame but that's my personal opinion
2. I've never suspected him of cheating before, with all the times he's worked late or had sidejobs. It's just that I'm getting more comments from friends about sam and him and he seems to have a guilty concious when he has a rebuttle about it. There's also a lot of times when I was in Georgia that I called at a normal hour and he never answered his phone. Maybe my suspicions are getting the best of me, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I'm trying to look out for myself now, if this is the end of our relationship, our marriage I damn sure wanna know about it. If he *has* slept with her, there's a good chance that he may have picked up an STD or something, cause she's a slut like no other. I'm considering having myself tested in the next few days.

 

[GrimJack]

Ok, serveral things here.

First and foremost, get tested. It's not expensive, and it can easily make a difference in your life. It's not about trust, it's about safety.

Next up... signs that someone is cheating. These are actually pretty easy to spot. Cheating seems to make people change - new hairstyles, clothes, jewelry, habits... keep an eye out for anything like this. Don't worry about a single change, but several is bad news. You can find a whackload of information about this in the relationships section on MSN or, (I hate to admit it...) in a copy of Cosmo. Also dig through the Maxim magazine to find articles on how to get away with it.

About the porn... first up, don't fool yourself into thinking he's going to change. If he likes porn, then he likes porn, and chances are he always will. Asking him to quit is just going to make you disappointed and him guilty. You *might* be able to learn something from the porn... what is he watching? Threesomes? Bondage? Is it an outlet for him to fantasize about something he thinks he cannot get? Don't allow yourself to slip into the dangerous morass of thinking that he likes the porn more than you... there is some nasty ground in there that you should just avoid until you are more stable.

Next up... what to do about it. Decide now ... are you on the edge? Do you want to continue this relationship? Do you think it's worth trying to save? Or are you seriously fed up and want to pull the chute? Most people can make this decision whether they have solid evidence about cheating or not, and if you can make this decision, back it up. Either get away and start over, or forgive what's happened, and move forward to make a life together - and do everything in your power to work towards that goal, be it counseling, help from friends, new sexual practices, hell, go skydiving nude if it'll help!

I've been on both sides of this - as in, I've been in the relationship that I was not happy to see end, and I've been in the one that I knew had to end... and now I'm in the one that takes work to keep alive - but has been worth it.

 

[Tanya]

Thanks for the replies all.

I broke up with him, not over the suspected cheating, but for lying and being generally scandalous. We were being forced to move last week. He told me to go to the hotel and he would pack and move with help from his friend whom he and the kids would be staying with. A few days later, a big to-do broke out about something unrelated, but somehow, through that, I found out that he was still at "home". He was partying and doing whatever, as I and his whole family was led to believe he was at his friends house. He's lied to his family and myself about numerous other things, let that shady whore drive my Saturn (I had signed the title over to him, but it wasn't changed yet so responsibility falls on me for that POS), lost his work phone, and a whole bunch of other bullshit.

The girl I suspected him of cheating with was staying there off and on, he was picking her up from work and whatnot, although he claims angrily he has not slept with her, nor would he ever.

Not really giving a damn anymore, I called it quits anyways. Hopefully in a few weeks, divorce papers will be available and as soon as I'm on my feet, I'm moving away from this hell hole.

 

[SupraMario]

good for you, taking control and make the best out of the situation. GL with getting back on your feet.

 

[meggs521]

Yes, good luck to you.

I'm probably the worst person to ask about relationship problems, but from the sounds of it, he doesn't sound like someone I would want to be with so I can see why you weren't happy with him.

What about the kids? Are they okay?

I would offer you a place to stay but (a) I'm out in AZ which is a bit of a drive, as as we all know gas = $$$, and (b) I'm living at home while going to school and all the rooms are taken. But if I lived closer to you I would give you my room because it sounds like you've had to deal with way too much BS lately. Hearing stuff like this always makes me feel like such a wimp for complaining about the things I have to deal/ put up with.

I hope things start looking up!

~Meg

 

[lanky189]

head north! 16 hours and you'll be in the blue ridge mountains of VA... great place to start a life and bring the kiddies! there's plenty of backyard to play in.

 

[majeskyb]

It sounds like a fresh start is going to be your best bet. If I had the room, I'd offer it to you as well. Unfortunately, we already have somebody staying with us, and I think we're a bit of a drive from there as well. If you don't mind me asking, what town/city do you live in? I used to live in Port Charlotte, and still have a few friends there. Whatever the future holds, stand strong and you'll be able to get though it. I wish you the best of luck, and let us know if there's anything that we might be able to help with

 

[Slow Poopra 7MGTE]

where will you be moving to?

 

[Tanya]

thanks all for the kind and thoughtful replies, means a lot. I don't have the kids, they're with his grandmother, which I think is best as she has a home and steady income and I do not. I'm not abandoning my kids, but I simply cannot take care of them. They will be safe and well taken care of here.

I will be heading north. I'm originally from Mass, and I'd love to go back although my friend/travelling companion can't stand the snow....well too bad, my car damnit, I'll go wherever my car can make it. :biglaugh:
If we can't get all the way to Mass for whatever reason, we'll prolly settle somewhere in Virginia or close to it.
I should be getting my car back within a few weeks, then we'll be selling my friends 280zx. I'm currently selling my mkII parts for some cash, as I've had no luck getting a job yet.
I'll probably still be here for my kids' birthdays (which is November) but will leave soon after depending on the weather.

Will keep everyone informed

 

[Satan]

Going North? Right before Winter? U R crazy girl!!!

Whereabouts are you located? Anywhere near Naples and/or St. Pete? Can you handle a telephone sales job almost requiring no experience (they provide the leads, etc), making $35K-$55K a year...? Not everyone's cut out for it, but it's working for Verizon, with good work environment, benefits, etc. I saw ppl barely making it (slacking) making $35K and some others hustling, making $75k+.... I'd plan on average about $45K tho.... I'll give someone a call, if U R interested.

Email myself and or Satan's... g099521@yahoo.com

 

[Satan]

Actually.... here are the offices, but it's been awhile.... I think all are Premise Sales offices, 'cept for the St. Pete ones, which also have Telephone Sales...

Ft. Myers
Hollywood
Jacksonville
Orlando
St. Petersburg (MLK Street N)
St. Petersburg (Executive Center Drive N)
West Palm Beach