Oil change instructions for men and women

Turbo. Targa. Life.

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((E-mail my mom sent to me, funny stuff))

Oil Change instructions for Women......

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Money spent...

Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men......

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain n pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent.....



Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $20.00

Total: $4,145.00



But you know the job was done right!



SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT....
 

americanjebus

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Mar 30, 2005
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w/ my truck its like,

park on curb
crack bolt loose drain to pan
use leather gloves and use my man power to just turn the fuckin filter
install new filter
install plug
fill

done in 10 minutes

Cost ~ $20 (buy oil and filters in bulk once a year.


w/ the SUPRA its more like

jack up car
slide under barely fitting
drain pan
then spend 15-20 minutes trying to get hand into crevice to touch the filter
get sidetracked for 30 minutes looking around underside of engine for dirt and grime and anything that came loose
install new filter
get sidetracked again looking at turbo making turbo noises w/ your mouth, ""bwooooff psssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh......"
spend 45 minutes cleaning everything under engine
crawl out and get dirt and rocks out of eyes.
fill w/ oil.
spend 20 minutes wiping down everything you touched w/ oily hands

time, close to 1-2 hours.
cost ~ $50, mostly in shop towels, simple green, and gojo.
 

speed

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May 27, 2006
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Thats great... except for one thing:


Jiffy Lube does a shit job on oil changes. So much so that I'd say that going to jiffy lube is poor maintanence on your vehicle (well not really but you know what I'm speakin')
 

Turbo. Targa. Life.

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lol who cares if you're 21? Me and my dad will go out and drink a beer workin on the car all the time...and I'm 19.

In any case I feel you on the "lookin for shit that came loose"\

and yes, Jiffy Lube is shitty lube, but women swear by the place!!
 

speed

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Turbo. Targa. Life. said:
and yes, Jiffy Lube is shitty lube, but women swear by the place!!

I just figured out why! Its because the jiffy lube guys are so busy fucking things up, clanking around and forcing things to move that shouldn't move, that the cab of the car vibrates- and well, you know how lonely women like sitting on things that vibrate.
 

mkiiSupraMan18

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Apr 1, 2005
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^ But my reason is still, do all that work to save $2, F that unless I'm bored as hell and I'm already under it. Not so bad on the mkII though... since I can easily get the filter off by hand from the top of the car

Sending this to my fiance, who thinks she needs to know how to change oil so she can know as much as Rumptis+BoostLee :)
 
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Jeff Lange

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Mar 29, 2005
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For me:

Step 1: Drive to work.
Step 2: Walk over to service department, say "Change the oil in my car."
Step 3: Wait...
Step 4: Walk back over to service department, pay $25.00. (Unless I'm doing synthetic)
Step 5: Go home from work like usual.

Ahh, I love working at a dealership. Plus they wash my car, and I don't even need to bring the car anywhere. I usually only do my own oil changes if I'm in the process of doing something else anyways.
 

GrimJack

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Those steps are assuming that the guy has the brains to get all the parts he needs at once, which is rather unlikely. Most guys are going to need to add a couple steps in there:

- cuss about forgotten parts
- try to make an oil drain plug gasket from garden hose, or try to make wrong oil filter fit on car, or whatever.
- cuss more when it doesn't work
- ask wife to borrow her car
- cuss when she requires you to clean up first
- clean up
- borrow wife's car
- drive back to parts store to get the stuff you forgot / was wrong
- drive home
- check parts... possibly run through this process again
- continue with the above steps
 

trydrew

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Nov 4, 2005
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Jiffy Lube = Iffy Lube.

Haha I'll have to agree and say ive been through a lot of those things. If I had to take my car to any express oil change, I would no doubt check that every thing is good before leaving their lot.
 

Jeff Lange

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Mar 29, 2005
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Would you check the rear diff filler plug? That's what an iffy lube left out of our truck when checking the rear diff oil.

Needless to say having the rear end lock up at 75mph isn't very appealing.
 

swaq

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Turbo. Targa. Life. said:
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

It's illegal to just throw away your old oil filter?