for as long as I can remember my life has been rough, from coming up in some really bad neighborhoods to doing not so nice things to survive and eat. I havent lived the most painful life but I've seen enough to know I've seen some serious shit that most people wouldn't live to imagine.
last year I completely destroyed my 92 honda accord and got a gun charge and a dui.. just because I couldn't see the truth it cost me alot. 2 weeks from that cops went through my house and took things I shouldn't have had...or at least shouldn't had been so cocky about. nobodies invincible but I run basically fearless. which at some point will probably kill me.
I see myself having a cause in life instead of most people of my age bracket. I've watched friends for years destroy themselves because of not being strong and falling into either from what people have told them or flat out couldnt hang.
I myself have reached points in life where it was me against the world and I was primed for a fight to the death... ha, foolish. I learned alot in my time. still got a lot to figure on to. I keep a close net of friends well at least I try. I lost a number of things a few years ago. I ran from everything I grew up with because I saw a chance to survive.. I knew that within a few months at that point I would have resorted to things I've done in the past to make it.
so I took a gamble and bailed.. I ended at a diesel mech for my grandfather will fucked my family over for being a slut long before my time. I seen why even tho my mom has fallen so hard so long I finally completely understood why she wanted me to stay away from our family. these people as good as they are, are stuck in their past and cant move forward. also in all the shit they been through they are different now. changed so much they cant see as clearly as before.
at that point I was getting wild all over again. stress drugs, high speed chases, I was out there to fucking ride and not look back. I kinda hold true to that still. just with a better heart. there will always be some bullshit we all have to deal with. its a given. during my high school days I ran across my equal. my brother as we are. we rode together no matter what. gun fights, street fights, across state fires with state police looking for us. just so he could see his families homes in the forest are ok. when one of us gets rolled we handle it and leave. we never wronged no one we just set the tables straight. two years ago, a few months prior to my surgery. his parents got into it with someone, these old people chunked it with people on a beach and forever after that point it all changed.. we never knew it would change like this. then end result the other people involved saw fit to start something.. at that time words were said and a racist situation was started.. when the whole thing was over and done. no harm intended just wrong place wrong time for both sides. I watched my brother begin destroying himself blaming everyone.
his approach is exactly what started this shit.. its just repeating itself. its left me far beyond lost. a few months ago when I was still a mech. I began falling harder then before. do to my dui and work... it all was closing it on me. I stared running around shooting rounds in air, I started coming apart all over again. I almost wrote my own ticket to death.. almost. I wised up checked myself. I remembered why I made it so far and that I'm not a fool that falls easy. so I kept pushing.. but falling still. my job was killing me so I started fucking it up. finally, in a two months time my heart started hurting bad. near heart attack level. in the few days on I started falling out and having massive chest pains. as my boss was gonna fire me he realized im coming apart.. I ended up going to my doc and during that short visit I ended up in the er for the whole weekend. I blacked out in front of all them. I didnt even feel it. next thing I know theres blood going everywhere and my head was bleeding. when the finally got machines hooked up to me, nothing. nothing was found.
but my chest, my heart was killing me. but pulse was fine. got to the er for further checks, feeling completely fine in the er hallway waiting on xrays. I got dizzy i was in a wheelchair just sitting but I was getting slow in thought and words. I look down to the iv they put in me.. I was watching blood flow through the lines pushing out of my arm. I tried to look up to this guy sitting waiting on his family member.. I remember what I said exactly. excuse me, I hate to alarm you, but I believe I might be dying. he ran screaming help help. this man isnt looking good. the nurse came running not understanding. I said. Noah, I'm sorry but I'm not doing good, so he started getting me back to er quick. at the point I couldnt see or hear well. my vision went solid white.
he asked how I was doing, I replied. I see white and I your voice is distant. all I felt was a cold chill and him running with me. in the er they laid me down and went to work with equipment trying to find whats wrong. it all checked out fine. I was fine........... so dozens of tests later. im in my room, my gf was with me. I was making light of the whole thing. my grandma there at the time so I was being cute... and started yelling at my gf for being young minded... maybe true but still. my heart rate went beyond what I should have ever seen. nurses running. that night 3 doctors rushed in.. my heart damn near stopped. when I woke up. I was fine. they said stress.. probably. I went for a sonicgram hmmmm, you know what I mean.
they found nothing.
that was two months ago. two nights ago I was at my moms with my best bud, my bro. he was talking his mind was set. I got pissed and left. still no license and my jeep got suspension wise messed up. umm I ran over a divider to get away from a situation that involved cops. I did nothing wrong but at this current time I would be in jail for violation for a while..... I cant allow that. I wont endanger anyone but myself. I saw a clean shot and went.
that was all on friday. I need to find storage for all my stuff, my mk3, my tools, my bike.. so after all that I been in my gfs house all weekend. my new accord that I'm driving has a worn out suspension and jacked steering. i'm starting to lose my thoughts. to end this long whatever you want to call it. right now typing this my heart is hurting like it used to. stress lol. when I got laid off at my job my medical stopped. so i'm getting worn out again. I know what I need to do. just time, hope, and money. I view this world somewhat different from most people. I might go into that at a later time. some of you might see it like I do, some wont.
if you read this, damn. must be bored.. sorry for this long bullshit. im just war torn and need to survive.
last year I completely destroyed my 92 honda accord and got a gun charge and a dui.. just because I couldn't see the truth it cost me alot. 2 weeks from that cops went through my house and took things I shouldn't have had...or at least shouldn't had been so cocky about. nobodies invincible but I run basically fearless. which at some point will probably kill me.
I see myself having a cause in life instead of most people of my age bracket. I've watched friends for years destroy themselves because of not being strong and falling into either from what people have told them or flat out couldnt hang.
I myself have reached points in life where it was me against the world and I was primed for a fight to the death... ha, foolish. I learned alot in my time. still got a lot to figure on to. I keep a close net of friends well at least I try. I lost a number of things a few years ago. I ran from everything I grew up with because I saw a chance to survive.. I knew that within a few months at that point I would have resorted to things I've done in the past to make it.
so I took a gamble and bailed.. I ended at a diesel mech for my grandfather will fucked my family over for being a slut long before my time. I seen why even tho my mom has fallen so hard so long I finally completely understood why she wanted me to stay away from our family. these people as good as they are, are stuck in their past and cant move forward. also in all the shit they been through they are different now. changed so much they cant see as clearly as before.
at that point I was getting wild all over again. stress drugs, high speed chases, I was out there to fucking ride and not look back. I kinda hold true to that still. just with a better heart. there will always be some bullshit we all have to deal with. its a given. during my high school days I ran across my equal. my brother as we are. we rode together no matter what. gun fights, street fights, across state fires with state police looking for us. just so he could see his families homes in the forest are ok. when one of us gets rolled we handle it and leave. we never wronged no one we just set the tables straight. two years ago, a few months prior to my surgery. his parents got into it with someone, these old people chunked it with people on a beach and forever after that point it all changed.. we never knew it would change like this. then end result the other people involved saw fit to start something.. at that time words were said and a racist situation was started.. when the whole thing was over and done. no harm intended just wrong place wrong time for both sides. I watched my brother begin destroying himself blaming everyone.
his approach is exactly what started this shit.. its just repeating itself. its left me far beyond lost. a few months ago when I was still a mech. I began falling harder then before. do to my dui and work... it all was closing it on me. I stared running around shooting rounds in air, I started coming apart all over again. I almost wrote my own ticket to death.. almost. I wised up checked myself. I remembered why I made it so far and that I'm not a fool that falls easy. so I kept pushing.. but falling still. my job was killing me so I started fucking it up. finally, in a two months time my heart started hurting bad. near heart attack level. in the few days on I started falling out and having massive chest pains. as my boss was gonna fire me he realized im coming apart.. I ended up going to my doc and during that short visit I ended up in the er for the whole weekend. I blacked out in front of all them. I didnt even feel it. next thing I know theres blood going everywhere and my head was bleeding. when the finally got machines hooked up to me, nothing. nothing was found.
but my chest, my heart was killing me. but pulse was fine. got to the er for further checks, feeling completely fine in the er hallway waiting on xrays. I got dizzy i was in a wheelchair just sitting but I was getting slow in thought and words. I look down to the iv they put in me.. I was watching blood flow through the lines pushing out of my arm. I tried to look up to this guy sitting waiting on his family member.. I remember what I said exactly. excuse me, I hate to alarm you, but I believe I might be dying. he ran screaming help help. this man isnt looking good. the nurse came running not understanding. I said. Noah, I'm sorry but I'm not doing good, so he started getting me back to er quick. at the point I couldnt see or hear well. my vision went solid white.
he asked how I was doing, I replied. I see white and I your voice is distant. all I felt was a cold chill and him running with me. in the er they laid me down and went to work with equipment trying to find whats wrong. it all checked out fine. I was fine........... so dozens of tests later. im in my room, my gf was with me. I was making light of the whole thing. my grandma there at the time so I was being cute... and started yelling at my gf for being young minded... maybe true but still. my heart rate went beyond what I should have ever seen. nurses running. that night 3 doctors rushed in.. my heart damn near stopped. when I woke up. I was fine. they said stress.. probably. I went for a sonicgram hmmmm, you know what I mean.
they found nothing.
that was two months ago. two nights ago I was at my moms with my best bud, my bro. he was talking his mind was set. I got pissed and left. still no license and my jeep got suspension wise messed up. umm I ran over a divider to get away from a situation that involved cops. I did nothing wrong but at this current time I would be in jail for violation for a while..... I cant allow that. I wont endanger anyone but myself. I saw a clean shot and went.
that was all on friday. I need to find storage for all my stuff, my mk3, my tools, my bike.. so after all that I been in my gfs house all weekend. my new accord that I'm driving has a worn out suspension and jacked steering. i'm starting to lose my thoughts. to end this long whatever you want to call it. right now typing this my heart is hurting like it used to. stress lol. when I got laid off at my job my medical stopped. so i'm getting worn out again. I know what I need to do. just time, hope, and money. I view this world somewhat different from most people. I might go into that at a later time. some of you might see it like I do, some wont.
if you read this, damn. must be bored.. sorry for this long bullshit. im just war torn and need to survive.
