Wife and husband jokes...lol

[upgradedsupra]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.


Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.


The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started...



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

 

[suprarx7nut]

Haha. Might be better than IJ's taliban jokes...

 

[suprahero]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


Those are pretty damn'd funny Duane..............:biglaugh:

 

[RiyadYar]

lol

 

[benchwarmer]

My wife and I are inseparable. Last time it took four state troopers and a dog.

 

[SupraMario]

LMAO! Nice post Duane

 

[mkiiSupraMan18]

I lol'd...


"I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started..."

My personal fav.

 

[MKIII VIXEN]

.
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless

I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing

when I want with my old buddies, and don't you

give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:

'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex

here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'


************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a
headstonethat reads,
'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'



*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no

good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and

decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'





*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his

wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,

shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four'




*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife

to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece

of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she
would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it

was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.


Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he

noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.
Wake up.'


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there

is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

[IndyMK3]

omg lol

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.


The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

 

[DsBetterHalf]

A young man and woman just got married.

After a bout of sex during the honeymoon, the man suddenly throws his pants at the wife.

"Here, put these on!"

"Are you kidding? They won't fit!"

"Exactly." He replied. "Just wanted to make sure you were aware of who wears the pants in this relationship."

"Oh? Then here, try these on for size." She said as she threw her panties at him.

"There is no way I can get in these! You are like half my size!"

"Exactly! And as long as you have that kind of attitude, you will continue to not get in them!"

 

[IwantMKIII]

All of these are ridiculously funny! :biglaugh:

God may have created man before woman, but there

is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Fun fact for the day!

This is a common misconception. Man and Woman were created at the same time (if you believe this kind of stuff in the first place). Lilith was her name and was cast away/disowned by god for not submitting to her husband's commands. She wanted to be created equally and was instead shunned and tormented by god.


Nice right? Sounds like a scare tactic to me. Just another reason for myself to not believe any of the crap in the bible, its been altered and misinterpreted all too many times by the wrong people.....the catholic church and men in general :icon_bigg

 

[Poodles]

*derail*
Lilith isn't present in the bible at all, but found in other referances which the ages are unknown. As a side point, Lilith plays a major role in Neon Genesis Evangelian.
*derail*

Back to da funnies!

 

[IwantMKIII]

*derail*
Lilith isn't present in the bible at all, but found in other referances which the ages are unknown. As a side point, Lilith plays a major role in Neon Genesis Evangelian.
*derail*

Back to da funnies!

well, the name itself isn't, there is a reference assuemd to be made to her though