mcpcola's daily (or not so daily) joke thread

mcpcola

mcpcola

7M's = Peoples Champ
Jul 4, 2005
428
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Greater Gulf Coast
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo.
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable! "And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop,then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?" Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
 
92turbo4life

92turbo4life

Banned
Sep 12, 2005
1,289
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wherever
holy shit..mp i sit here at wrok from 8 to 5 everyday and you make my mornings..
lol they should give you a joke sticky!!!
 
L

lanky189

Guest
92turbo4life said:
holy shit..mp i sit here at wrok from 8 to 5 everyday and you make my mornings..
lol they should give you a joke sticky!!!
Click to expand...
I like it.



it's done!
 
mcpcola

mcpcola

7M's = Peoples Champ
Jul 4, 2005
428
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Greater Gulf Coast
Ok up on deck

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
 
mcpcola

mcpcola

7M's = Peoples Champ
Jul 4, 2005
428
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44
Greater Gulf Coast
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
 
mcpcola

mcpcola

7M's = Peoples Champ
Jul 4, 2005
428
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0
44
Greater Gulf Coast
Last one for today

IN PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK.......you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON......you get three meals a day.
AT WORK.......you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON......you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.......you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON......the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.......you're often required to carry a security card and
open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON......you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.......you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON......you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.......you share the toilet with some people who pee on the
seat.

IN PRISON......they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.......you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

IN PRISON......all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK.......you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON......you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON. ....you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK.......they're called managers.

So I have to Ask YOU, IS THIS REALLY FAIR??
 
SupraMario

SupraMario

I think it was the google
Mar 30, 2005
3,467
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The Farm
hahahah, mc those last two are funny as hell.
amish one is funny cause we have amish in whitebluff.
 
mcpcola

mcpcola

7M's = Peoples Champ
Jul 4, 2005
428
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44
Greater Gulf Coast
"Advice For Young Girlfriends"

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is
right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much
more responsible, since they're not as emotionally
confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The
important thing to remember is that you must do
whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may
at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't
feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished
making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts
with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning
the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after
lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out
and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important, studies show this is simply
not true. The average erect male penis measures about
three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely
rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ
is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees
and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible
to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
 
mcpcola

mcpcola

7M's = Peoples Champ
Jul 4, 2005
428
0
0
44
Greater Gulf Coast
Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."
 
mcpcola

mcpcola

7M's = Peoples Champ
Jul 4, 2005
428
0
0
44
Greater Gulf Coast
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
 
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