Taken from SVTP.
Random Thoughts of the Day:
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
That's enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not
to be friends with?
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f * ck was going on when I first saw
it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
really gets it.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both
go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
guide myself past and that?s is when I realized, yup, that?s a mirror I
just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats
can re cognize their own image.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take
2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I?m trying to finish a
text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread
of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test
is absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing
as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the
name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had
to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as
in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.
I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be
used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight
woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile
is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red
Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a
problem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren?t doing anything productive
for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to
have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only
a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still
be friends after this?'
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and
USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don?t win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find
out that I?m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in
a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I?d
bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen
if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at
the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such
a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There?s nothing
like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Random Thoughts of the Day:
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
That's enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not
to be friends with?
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f * ck was going on when I first saw
it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
really gets it.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both
go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
guide myself past and that?s is when I realized, yup, that?s a mirror I
just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats
can re cognize their own image.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take
2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I?m trying to finish a
text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread
of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test
is absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing
as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the
name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had
to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as
in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.
I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be
used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight
woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile
is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red
Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a
problem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren?t doing anything productive
for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to
have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only
a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still
be friends after this?'
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and
USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don?t win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find
out that I?m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in
a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I?d
bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen
if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at
the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such
a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There?s nothing
like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
