Ran across some old blogs I had written on Myspace (remember that place) years ago. Thought a couple of them might be appreciated by those on here. Seeing as how few people really seem to read the blog section, I'll post these couple of mine in this thread.
(DT/SC, if you guys have an issue with this being in OT, just can the thread and I'll post it up on my blog)
(circa 2007, part 1)
I've been thinking again lately.... I know it's bad for me and all, but I can't seem to stop.
What's been on my mind? Heh, you probably already guessed it. Yep, cars. Again.
Why? I'm not even really sure... I think I might be addicted. I've done stupid things with cars. I've done stupid things because of cars. I've done stupid things for cars...
The best part though? People seem to think I like WORKING on cars. The truth couldn't be further away. I'm only mechanically inclined out of necessity. If something breaks, I fix it because I can. Not because I WANT to... There are much better uses of my time... I used to love reading, used to love playing video games, so on and so forth... The only reason I DO work on my cars... is so I can keep driving.
Most of you will never understand, the thrill that can be had behind the wheel of a good car. I'm not talking about newer cars either... I have yet to be in a newer vehicle that has any soul. Cars these days have become little more than appliances. We've traded efficiency for passion. Soul for miles per gallon. Fun for space. I recently read a quote:
"Drive a classic car, you'll remember the drive. Drive a modern car, you'll remember the destination."
I honestly believe that only about 2% of the people who read that will even BEGIN to understand what that means to me, how closely I can relate to it... I've been asked on numerous occasions why I don't just buy a new car, instead of buying older cars. I just can't justify spending that kind of money on a vehicle that resembles items in a common kitchen, something that evicts the same kind of passion from me as a coffee pot... I don't look at driving as just a process of getting from 'point a to point b', and I feel sorry for those of you who do. I'm sure you have other passions in life, and other people to share those passions with. Unfortunately, some of us aren't so lucky.
I'm kinda stuck on cars, but as much as I hate them... I can't seem to let go of them. I dunno, maybe I'm messed up, maybe a car door hit me in the head one day and I just can't seem to get past it... I mean, cars have cost me FAR more than just money... they've cost me friends... loved ones... time... and obviously money... I guess that cars have been the only constant in my life. Money is spent, friends change, loved ones fade away, and time... well time has a nasty habit of leaving you behind. But cars... no matter how frustrating they may be... they're always there. I guess it's just my excuse to try and justify the life I've lived, the life I've let go, the life I've fucked up, the life that I don't really have anymore...
I've only ever had one other experience that even came close to what cars do for me... It was so entirely alien, and yet at the same time... so comforting. I really didn't know how to react to it... honestly. I'm still finding myself haunted by things that bring back illusions of those feelings... it was all good, but I didn't know how to deal with that life... so I returned to what was 'normal' for me... I told myself that it was for the best this way, and for the most part... It would seem that I was right. As much as I miss that other life, that other light... I don't expect it to ever be a part of my life again. I'm just grateful for having experienced it at least once in my life. I suppose it makes my life a little more complete, a little more rounded.
Next time you're bored... try this. Take your car, whatever it may be... look it over thoroughly. Maybe something will catch your eye, perhaps a line, a curve... a reflection in the paint, a glistening of metal somewhere... I dunno, could be anything. Now, get in the car. Before you start it though, roll down the windows... turn on the key, but don't start it yet... listen. Just listen to whatever sounds your car will make. I guarantee you there is at least something to hear. While you're at it, turn off the stereo, just turn it off. Now turn that key just a bit more, and fire her up. Pay attention to things, look over your gauges, lights, whatever. Again, listen to what your car sounds like... it might be trying to tell you something. Leave those windows down. If you have a sunroof, open it up... A convertible, drop the top... do whatever you can to expose yourself to the environment. Who cares that you just did your hair, or if it's a bit too hot or cold out... Now go find a nice twisty back-road somewhere, maybe somewhere you haven't been... and just DRIVE. You don't have to push your car hard, just enjoy the drive, the wind rushing by you, the sounds your car makes as you accelerate and slow down, the sounds of the bumps in the roads, feel the motions that your suspension makes as you change directions... Look at how lights reflect off of the scenery... notice how the car reacts to your every input... and just take it all in. For me, late night drives through the mountains are about the best thing in the world, seeing the stars, the moon light up the mountains and valleys, the clouds move, the crisp air...
If you can't feel anything from that sort of experience... Either your car has no soul...
...Or you don't.
To me... a moment like this... Is freedom. It doesn't get any better than that. I could very well be revealing just how far the depths of my insanity go, or I could be (for once) being able to cohesively explain why I love cars so much, why few other things ignite this passion inside of me... This is why I go to some pretty drastic lengths to have the cars I do, why I have all these crazy ideas, why I could care less if I spend the rest of my days sleeping alone, why I could care less about the future, because all that I'm guaranteed is the NOW...
You probably think I'm about 2 fries short of a chicken nugget happy meal, and you're probably right, but so long as there's gas in my tank, and roads that are smooth, I'm as free as I'm likely to ever be in this world.
-brad
(circa early 2008, part 2)
Well... in my last writing, I explained what the cars themselves represent to me, a place to escape to... however, I never really touched on what driving means to me, and it is very much part of a greater whole that makes up my passion.
I know that this might not be too shocking to some of you, but I kinda have some weird sort of mental or emotional a.d.d. Most days just kinda pass without me taking anything in... my memory is foggy for the most part, at best. I guess this is probably a defense mechanism of sorts... to keep the monotony of everyday life (which is of course what you make of it, provided you don't have responsibilities, or finances, or sleep to deal with first) from taking too heavy a toll on my mind...
So what do I do to deal with this little issue? I drive...
I'm sure you can all relate to having a bit of fun with a car, whether it be just cruising with friends, doing a little speeding here and there, you know... whatever. Well, for me, driving very much helps me focus. Sometimes I'll just go off driving somewhere, just to think. Yet other times... I drive to clear my mind.
See, I also have the trouble that my mind never really switches off. I rarely feel rested because my brain won't allow me the peace of mind to stop thinking about tomorrow and the things on my plate for that day. So in turn, I never really get much sleep. At least, I don't feel rested from sleeping. It's kinda hard to deal with sometimes... One day last year, I found a good remedy for that though, or at least, I remembered a good remedy for it, a good way to clear my mind.
Driving.
Not just any driving though. Some would call it crazy, others would call it 'spirited'. I obviously prefer the latter haha... Anyway, after one particularly frustrating day at work, I decided that I needed to let off some steam, I needed to clear my mind, because if I didn't, going home to the usual routine wouldn't cut it anymore. So as I left work, I started up the car, put the top down, made sure everything was secure and wasn't going anywhere... and took off toward the lake. I made it to the lake in about 28 minutes.
Just to give you an idea of what kind of driving that entailed, it was 20 miles of freeway just to get TO the exit for the lake. The lake itself was about another 15-20 miles farther. Look up 'Tortilla Flat' on Google, and follow the road that heads back to Apache Junction. Zoom in really close. If you've ever driven that stretch of the road, you know that it's not exactly wide, and not exactly straight either. I only got into 4th gear (95+mph) on one stretch of the road, before having to bring it back down again. It's pretty much an ideal road for someone on a sport bike to have a little fun. Fortunately, there wasn't a lot of traffic that day, being a Wednesday, because a lot of the traffic has a nasty habit of being retarded and driving on the center line because they don't know how wide their vehicle is, and therefore, shouldn't be ON ROADS LIKE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE...
I can't really describe in words what that day meant to me... I mean, you could always drive that road, and imagine yourself NEVER dropping below 40mph at any point on the trip (much easier said than done, trust me), but without having been there... It was just something magical, really.
What does that have to do with clearing my mind?
Well, when you're driving a car to 9/10ths on a road like that, you have two choices:
Focus... or die.
For one, the adrenaline rush is nothing short of amazing. Every day life is rather, shall we say... bland? Even the most interesting of lives is still pretty damned boring when you do it every day. Mixing it up doesn't really do it for me either. It just manages to pass the time until the next chance to really DRIVE. I kinda get the feeling that a lot of you don't have the slightest clue what sort of driving I'm even talking about. It's a shame too, really... If you've ever been scared because your tires are groaning or squealing, or unsure of what to do when your rear end of your vehicle is starting to go around a turn faster than the front end... then this sort of driving is probably (definitely) not for you. Lacking a sense of self preservation is a big plus too. "Controlled Chaos", a term Chris B invented one day, very much applies here. To the inexperienced eye, one might think the driver has a death wish...
I guess I still haven't answered the question I proposed though, huh? Why does driving like I've just been told that my heart will stop if I slow down help? Well, like I said, focus... or die. In situations like this, you're driving at, or near, a car's limits. If your mind isn't 100% focused on the task at hand, you could make a mistake. Making a mistake at times like these is a very, very bad idea. Holding back or allowing fear into your mind will also break your focus... again, a bad thing. As weird as it sounds, you must become one with the machine... a concept that horrifies some, while comforting others. Again, I'm obviously part of the latter group there.
As for me, when I drive like this, it's the best kind of stress relief that is even remotely legal. It's oddly enough, relaxing. If my mind is focused 100% on the drive and the road ahead, it leaves NOTHING else for my mind to dwell on. My worries, cares, troubles, issues... they all just go away. It's akin to a Zen-like state, or deep meditation... It gives me a chance to escape real life, at least for as long as my mind can still focus and there is gas in the tank... Unfortunately, driving like that takes a lot out of you, it's very much a stamina based meditation haha... I was pretty much worn out in less than an hour of driving. I guess some of you would compare this kind of experience to sex... The sensation is kinda like awesome sex, in that your heart is working way harder than you normally ask of it, all of the passion, the heat... the intensity, your senses heightened... except if you make a mistake here, it could very well cost you your life. Now, unless for some reason, you're having sex with a wolverine... I don't think you'd have to worry about that last part.
Oh, and the only other difference I can really think of is that this is about 10x the rush. Yeah. It's that good. I'm sure comparing sex with driving is probably a crazy concept to some of you, but it's about all I can think of that most of you will have at least some experience with.
Driving... it gives me wings.
It sets me free.
I wish you could understand... really.
-brad
(DT/SC, if you guys have an issue with this being in OT, just can the thread and I'll post it up on my blog)
(circa 2007, part 1)
I've been thinking again lately.... I know it's bad for me and all, but I can't seem to stop.
What's been on my mind? Heh, you probably already guessed it. Yep, cars. Again.
Why? I'm not even really sure... I think I might be addicted. I've done stupid things with cars. I've done stupid things because of cars. I've done stupid things for cars...
The best part though? People seem to think I like WORKING on cars. The truth couldn't be further away. I'm only mechanically inclined out of necessity. If something breaks, I fix it because I can. Not because I WANT to... There are much better uses of my time... I used to love reading, used to love playing video games, so on and so forth... The only reason I DO work on my cars... is so I can keep driving.
Most of you will never understand, the thrill that can be had behind the wheel of a good car. I'm not talking about newer cars either... I have yet to be in a newer vehicle that has any soul. Cars these days have become little more than appliances. We've traded efficiency for passion. Soul for miles per gallon. Fun for space. I recently read a quote:
"Drive a classic car, you'll remember the drive. Drive a modern car, you'll remember the destination."
I honestly believe that only about 2% of the people who read that will even BEGIN to understand what that means to me, how closely I can relate to it... I've been asked on numerous occasions why I don't just buy a new car, instead of buying older cars. I just can't justify spending that kind of money on a vehicle that resembles items in a common kitchen, something that evicts the same kind of passion from me as a coffee pot... I don't look at driving as just a process of getting from 'point a to point b', and I feel sorry for those of you who do. I'm sure you have other passions in life, and other people to share those passions with. Unfortunately, some of us aren't so lucky.
I'm kinda stuck on cars, but as much as I hate them... I can't seem to let go of them. I dunno, maybe I'm messed up, maybe a car door hit me in the head one day and I just can't seem to get past it... I mean, cars have cost me FAR more than just money... they've cost me friends... loved ones... time... and obviously money... I guess that cars have been the only constant in my life. Money is spent, friends change, loved ones fade away, and time... well time has a nasty habit of leaving you behind. But cars... no matter how frustrating they may be... they're always there. I guess it's just my excuse to try and justify the life I've lived, the life I've let go, the life I've fucked up, the life that I don't really have anymore...
I've only ever had one other experience that even came close to what cars do for me... It was so entirely alien, and yet at the same time... so comforting. I really didn't know how to react to it... honestly. I'm still finding myself haunted by things that bring back illusions of those feelings... it was all good, but I didn't know how to deal with that life... so I returned to what was 'normal' for me... I told myself that it was for the best this way, and for the most part... It would seem that I was right. As much as I miss that other life, that other light... I don't expect it to ever be a part of my life again. I'm just grateful for having experienced it at least once in my life. I suppose it makes my life a little more complete, a little more rounded.
Next time you're bored... try this. Take your car, whatever it may be... look it over thoroughly. Maybe something will catch your eye, perhaps a line, a curve... a reflection in the paint, a glistening of metal somewhere... I dunno, could be anything. Now, get in the car. Before you start it though, roll down the windows... turn on the key, but don't start it yet... listen. Just listen to whatever sounds your car will make. I guarantee you there is at least something to hear. While you're at it, turn off the stereo, just turn it off. Now turn that key just a bit more, and fire her up. Pay attention to things, look over your gauges, lights, whatever. Again, listen to what your car sounds like... it might be trying to tell you something. Leave those windows down. If you have a sunroof, open it up... A convertible, drop the top... do whatever you can to expose yourself to the environment. Who cares that you just did your hair, or if it's a bit too hot or cold out... Now go find a nice twisty back-road somewhere, maybe somewhere you haven't been... and just DRIVE. You don't have to push your car hard, just enjoy the drive, the wind rushing by you, the sounds your car makes as you accelerate and slow down, the sounds of the bumps in the roads, feel the motions that your suspension makes as you change directions... Look at how lights reflect off of the scenery... notice how the car reacts to your every input... and just take it all in. For me, late night drives through the mountains are about the best thing in the world, seeing the stars, the moon light up the mountains and valleys, the clouds move, the crisp air...
If you can't feel anything from that sort of experience... Either your car has no soul...
...Or you don't.
To me... a moment like this... Is freedom. It doesn't get any better than that. I could very well be revealing just how far the depths of my insanity go, or I could be (for once) being able to cohesively explain why I love cars so much, why few other things ignite this passion inside of me... This is why I go to some pretty drastic lengths to have the cars I do, why I have all these crazy ideas, why I could care less if I spend the rest of my days sleeping alone, why I could care less about the future, because all that I'm guaranteed is the NOW...
You probably think I'm about 2 fries short of a chicken nugget happy meal, and you're probably right, but so long as there's gas in my tank, and roads that are smooth, I'm as free as I'm likely to ever be in this world.
-brad
(circa early 2008, part 2)
Well... in my last writing, I explained what the cars themselves represent to me, a place to escape to... however, I never really touched on what driving means to me, and it is very much part of a greater whole that makes up my passion.
I know that this might not be too shocking to some of you, but I kinda have some weird sort of mental or emotional a.d.d. Most days just kinda pass without me taking anything in... my memory is foggy for the most part, at best. I guess this is probably a defense mechanism of sorts... to keep the monotony of everyday life (which is of course what you make of it, provided you don't have responsibilities, or finances, or sleep to deal with first) from taking too heavy a toll on my mind...
So what do I do to deal with this little issue? I drive...
I'm sure you can all relate to having a bit of fun with a car, whether it be just cruising with friends, doing a little speeding here and there, you know... whatever. Well, for me, driving very much helps me focus. Sometimes I'll just go off driving somewhere, just to think. Yet other times... I drive to clear my mind.
See, I also have the trouble that my mind never really switches off. I rarely feel rested because my brain won't allow me the peace of mind to stop thinking about tomorrow and the things on my plate for that day. So in turn, I never really get much sleep. At least, I don't feel rested from sleeping. It's kinda hard to deal with sometimes... One day last year, I found a good remedy for that though, or at least, I remembered a good remedy for it, a good way to clear my mind.
Driving.
Not just any driving though. Some would call it crazy, others would call it 'spirited'. I obviously prefer the latter haha... Anyway, after one particularly frustrating day at work, I decided that I needed to let off some steam, I needed to clear my mind, because if I didn't, going home to the usual routine wouldn't cut it anymore. So as I left work, I started up the car, put the top down, made sure everything was secure and wasn't going anywhere... and took off toward the lake. I made it to the lake in about 28 minutes.
Just to give you an idea of what kind of driving that entailed, it was 20 miles of freeway just to get TO the exit for the lake. The lake itself was about another 15-20 miles farther. Look up 'Tortilla Flat' on Google, and follow the road that heads back to Apache Junction. Zoom in really close. If you've ever driven that stretch of the road, you know that it's not exactly wide, and not exactly straight either. I only got into 4th gear (95+mph) on one stretch of the road, before having to bring it back down again. It's pretty much an ideal road for someone on a sport bike to have a little fun. Fortunately, there wasn't a lot of traffic that day, being a Wednesday, because a lot of the traffic has a nasty habit of being retarded and driving on the center line because they don't know how wide their vehicle is, and therefore, shouldn't be ON ROADS LIKE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE...
I can't really describe in words what that day meant to me... I mean, you could always drive that road, and imagine yourself NEVER dropping below 40mph at any point on the trip (much easier said than done, trust me), but without having been there... It was just something magical, really.
What does that have to do with clearing my mind?
Well, when you're driving a car to 9/10ths on a road like that, you have two choices:
Focus... or die.
For one, the adrenaline rush is nothing short of amazing. Every day life is rather, shall we say... bland? Even the most interesting of lives is still pretty damned boring when you do it every day. Mixing it up doesn't really do it for me either. It just manages to pass the time until the next chance to really DRIVE. I kinda get the feeling that a lot of you don't have the slightest clue what sort of driving I'm even talking about. It's a shame too, really... If you've ever been scared because your tires are groaning or squealing, or unsure of what to do when your rear end of your vehicle is starting to go around a turn faster than the front end... then this sort of driving is probably (definitely) not for you. Lacking a sense of self preservation is a big plus too. "Controlled Chaos", a term Chris B invented one day, very much applies here. To the inexperienced eye, one might think the driver has a death wish...
I guess I still haven't answered the question I proposed though, huh? Why does driving like I've just been told that my heart will stop if I slow down help? Well, like I said, focus... or die. In situations like this, you're driving at, or near, a car's limits. If your mind isn't 100% focused on the task at hand, you could make a mistake. Making a mistake at times like these is a very, very bad idea. Holding back or allowing fear into your mind will also break your focus... again, a bad thing. As weird as it sounds, you must become one with the machine... a concept that horrifies some, while comforting others. Again, I'm obviously part of the latter group there.
As for me, when I drive like this, it's the best kind of stress relief that is even remotely legal. It's oddly enough, relaxing. If my mind is focused 100% on the drive and the road ahead, it leaves NOTHING else for my mind to dwell on. My worries, cares, troubles, issues... they all just go away. It's akin to a Zen-like state, or deep meditation... It gives me a chance to escape real life, at least for as long as my mind can still focus and there is gas in the tank... Unfortunately, driving like that takes a lot out of you, it's very much a stamina based meditation haha... I was pretty much worn out in less than an hour of driving. I guess some of you would compare this kind of experience to sex... The sensation is kinda like awesome sex, in that your heart is working way harder than you normally ask of it, all of the passion, the heat... the intensity, your senses heightened... except if you make a mistake here, it could very well cost you your life. Now, unless for some reason, you're having sex with a wolverine... I don't think you'd have to worry about that last part.
Oh, and the only other difference I can really think of is that this is about 10x the rush. Yeah. It's that good. I'm sure comparing sex with driving is probably a crazy concept to some of you, but it's about all I can think of that most of you will have at least some experience with.
Driving... it gives me wings.
It sets me free.
I wish you could understand... really.
-brad