A Man walks into his house.

cinderMK3

I want all the HAm
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#1
A man walks into his house holding a duck under his arm. He looks at his wife and says "this is the Pig I'm fucking."
His wife says, "that's not a pig it's a duck!"
The man replies "I was talking to the duck."

I'm bored, and it's Friday at work.

Anyone have big plans for the summer or just a specific weekend?
Or just have some random stuff they want to say?
 

suprahero

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#3
Little Johnny was sitting on a bench beside an elder lady. Johnny opens up a candy bar and eats it in about three bites. Throws the wrapper down, opens up another one and does the same. After he finishes it, he throws the wrapper down takes another one out of his coat pocket, tears the wrapper off and starts to devour his third candy bar. Old lady looks at him and says "Son, that can't be good for you."
Johnny looks at her and says "My Papa lived to be a 103". She gasps and says "Your papa ate three candy bars every day?" Johnny says NO, but he was smart enough to mind his own fucking business!!!!
 

Abe's 1987

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#5
Little Johnny was sitting on a bench beside an elder lady. Johnny opens up a candy bar and eats it in about three bites. Throws the wrapper down, opens up another one and does the same. After he finishes it, he throws the wrapper down takes another one out of his coat pocket, tears the wrapper off and starts to devour his third candy bar. Old lady looks at him and says "Son, that can't be good for you."
Johnny looks at her and says "My Papa lived to be a 103". She gasps and says "Your papa ate three candy bars every day?" Johnny says NO, but he was smart enough to mind his own fucking business!!!!
Holy smack that is hilarious!
 

te72

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#6
What do you call a lizard after a hard workout? Dinosaur.
 

Abe's 1987

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#7
What is the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job still sucks.
___________________________________________

Do you know what 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.
 

suprahero

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#8
A young man has to put his dad into an assisted living place for the elderly. The old man is pissed! He says "I took care of you your whole life! I get a little old and all of a sudden, you don't want to take care of me. You're a horrible son!!"
The next week the old man calls his son and tells him what a great son he is. Wow, I'm glad you feel that way Dad, what changed your mind? The old man says that yesterday morning he woke up with an erection and one of the nurses happened to see it and told him that she wanted his stay to be pleasant so she gave him a blow job. I love this place said the old man.
A few days later the old man calls his son and tells him he's the biggest piece of shit that ever walked. What's the matter asked the son? Last week you loved the place. How come you're so pissed this week?
The old man replied that yesterday while he was getting up to put his clothe on, his leg gave out and he fell in the floor. One of the men that worked there helped him back up in to bed, but face down. The male nurse said "when our patients fall, we take it upon ourselves to help them back in bed, but we also take advantage of their helplessness by fucking them in the ass".............and that's why you're a piece of shit.
The son says I can see why you're mad, but look sometimes you'll get a blow job and others.......well we won't talk about it.
The old man says "you don't understand, I get a hard on once a year........I fall every fucking day!!!!"